Thursday, 22 April 2010

Writer's Workshop #3 - I'm Mad At Myself For..

For my 3rd Writer's Workshop, I'm choosing this prompt:

"#1: “I’m mad at myself. I’m embarrassed. I can’t believe after all these years, I’m still talking about my weight.” Poor Ope. What are you mad at yourself about?"

Yeap... after all this years... I'm still mad at myself... I'm embarrassed. And yes, I'm still talking about my weight... even after I gave birth 1 year ago. I've blogged about myself eating like a hippo middle of December last year but still looking like a stick.

Ever since I was 17, my weight has been a steady 45kg (about 99 lbs) ... I'm not kidding.

When I got pregnant in June 08', I even got scolded by my gynae for not gaining weight accordingly!

My hubby had to shoved down foods down my throat (OK, maybe I exaggerated a bit here), but, I had to practically downed FULL CREAM milk, every day... just so that I can gained the normal weight according to my pregnancy phase!

This pic on the left is me, around 7-8 mths pregnant.. even the Ikea paper measuring tape couldn't measure my pregnant belly anymore. And look at those stick thin hands... they are still the same stick hands I have now. In fact, I think my hands are thinner now! :(

By the time I gave birth to Ben in March 09', I was 56kg by then... thanks to my almost daily intake of DOUBLE McChicken burgers + DOUBLE Regular fries + soft drinks + chocolate sundae... I had this weird addiction to McDonalds during my last few months of pregnancy... :P

Anyhooo.... after giving birth, my weight slowly went down, thanks to my breastfeeding Ben. Two weeks after delivery, I had already lost 7 kg. By the time I quit my job 3 months after delivery to be a SAHM, I'm back to my 45kg weight. Even now with Ben going on to be 14mths old in 2 weeks time, I'm still breastfeeding, so the weight stays off as well.

You will not believe the amount of food that goes into this blackhole body of mine... I eat more than my hubby. But I'm still shedding off the weight.
I'm mad because no matter how much I eat, it doesn't stay.
I'm embarrassed because ppl who sees me, thinks I'm under nourished.
I'm ashamed cos' I really look stick thin.
And people think that I'm anorexic too :(


Even Ben's wrist is getting to be almost the same size as mine. And few days ago, I just realised that I've lost my butt too... I used to have this fleshy butt which I loved but now... it's gone too...

How horrifying.

I hope you don't think I'm having fun bragging about not putting on weight no matter how much I eat.
I'm not. I do want to put on weight.
I really want to have some more flesh and fat in my body. I really do...

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9 comments:

Miss Welcome said...

I've "heard" this is torture, to not be able to gain weight. I wish I knew what that was like! For me it's the opposite, but I was so sick of talking about it I decided to write about my joy in this present moment. Who knows - maybe I'll be so in touch with my joy, I'll forget to eat!

(This is probably a dumb question, but you did check your thyroid, right?)

parentingBYdummies said...

99lbs. Wow. I too had a strange Mickey D's obsession during pregnancy. It resulted in a 60lb weight gain and a lifetime of being overweight, but yeah, same thing. I know it's probably just as hard to be on that side of the weight coin as it is to be on this one. Us chubsters just have a hard time imagining an unhappy life as a skinny person. Doesn't mean it's not so. I struggle with my situation because before having kids I was not at all overweight. I was normal sized, muscular, and happy. Haven't felt that way in 9 years. How about this? You come stay with me for a summer and I'll fatten you up by making you all the delicious things I like to bake, but shouldn't ever eat again? Deal?!

June Freaking Cleaver said...

I have a friend who also had this problem - only menopause allowed her to put on weight.

Her twin brother also has this problem.

I know from watching my friend what a struggle this is, and also about the questions that folks ask her about her inability to keep weight on.

Here's to hoping that your metabolism slows a bit as you get older.

Katie said...

I've always wondered, too, what it would be like to HAVE to gain weight. I know this might be hard with a little one, but have you considered doing a weight lifting routine or just asking your doctor for advice? I would definitely look into getting your thyroid checked out. When I was having trouble with LOSING weight two years after having our son, the doc discovered my thyroid was under active and put me on medication for it. I've never felt better in my life. Definitely worth looking into!

Swinging by from Mama Kat's, by the way!

MieVee @ MummysReviews.com said...

Haha... Familiar problem! I've been underweight since young, gained 10kg during pregnancy and am back to 42kg, with only an extra 'kangaroo pouch'. I'm very petite, so looks ok, not stick-thin. My boy is growing so fast that it'd be tough carrying him soon!

cheri said...

do you know how many women would love to be in your position? then again, as stay-at-home moms, we need all the energy we can get to run after the little ones. so as long as you're not lethargic or anything, it's ok.

i do envy you, you know :)

wandering in from the workshop :)

I'm a full-time mummy said...

Hello Miss Welcome!
Err... I've never thought about getting my thyroid check! Thanks for suggestion! (and no, it's not a dumb question)

Hi parentingBYdummies!
Oooo... I'd love to eat cakes and stuff! Thanks for the offer to bake for me! But I guess the transportation fares is way higher since I'm in Malaysia! :P

Hello June Freaking Cleaver,
Menopause? I still decades to go then... shucks,...

Hi Katie!
Yes, I think I will find out from my doctor about my thyroid the next time I visit him. Thanks for the suggestion!

Hey MieVee!
Wow! You are even lighter than me! 42kg!! I'm also petite but have been looking stick thin lately. Imagine I had to lug Ben who is 10kg now... :(

Hi cheri!
Thanks for dropping by! :)

thirdy_smom said...

cant believe I missed this post. I never thought that it was so hard to gain weight. I thought my problem with my flabs is the worst.

Good one, Jenny! :)

I'm a full-time mummy said...

Hi Anne!

Oh you missed this post? You've got some others to catch up on then! Hahaha... thanks to my not so clever scheduling and over-excitedness to post stuff, I think I posted about 4 posts just on yesterday! Oppsss...

Anyhooo... yeah... it's really hard for me to gain weight :(

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